This is not a Home.
If you’re just joining us head on back to the first post, or view the entire series.
Wrapping up this story
The author of this tale has become bored. From past experience, this happens to me with every single story I’ve started to write, been distracted from, then tried to return to at a later date. I genuinely want to continue in the same vein however the mindset and emotions have moved on since. Thus, we’ve arrived at the part of the journey where the writer had one or two clever things planned, cuts some out for expediency, and finishes the whole thing out of a sense of duty and due course. In order to dash off to that bright, shiny object in the distance.
I’m still going to add my clever things and there will still be one more post after this to tie it all together properly (and raise more questions than I could ever hope or want to answer). Still want to skip though, partly. Therefore I’m going to be as concise as I can possibly be, take far longer writing a post because I want to be concise and clear, then somewhere along the line re-capture my vein of thought and have a climatic final post. Sound good?
Returning ‘Home’ and Travelling back to Scotland
As it turns out, not the same thing at all. Before you go racing off thinking I mean that Canada’s more home to me than anywhere else, I miss it, and I don’t know why I ever came back – wait a moment while I explain.
Home cannot be a place. It cannot be a person. It cannot be a thing.
For a long time I’ve been thinking of it as something more than ‘just’ any one of those things, but up until I left my usual haunting ground I still had ties to it, or people (mostly people, a fact that creeped some of them out) being an important factor. I thought that so long as I was with x person I would be at home. I thought so long as I was somewhere I found welcoming, or beautiful to me I would be home. I thought that so long as there was some place I could call my own, where no one else would bother me and I could do whatever I wanted (within certain confines) I would be home. As a result, it’s taken me this long to figure out what home actually means for me.
Home is an emotion.
Or, if you will, a set of emotions or experiences that trigger a specific feeling within yourself. Whenever I was with that person, or in one of those places, at times that would create an environment where the ‘correct’ set of emotions would present itself. Hence my overall confusion.
When I left Canada again I felt confused and a bit hurt. I didn’t want to go back to my old ‘Home’ because I’d found somewhere that felt more like it for me. I was in a place that caused the right set of reactions, with people that triggered the right emotions, and in an environment that allowed me to grow and be myself. Returning left me disjointed and lost, and for a short while I forgot what I’d learned about choices and being happy. I felt too out of place and awkward to remember.
Time, Improvements, all that stuff
Over the last couple of weeks I remembered the ‘choices’ part of my new mindset. It got thoroughly adopted again and I’ve been in an extraordinarily good mood ever since. Ups and downs still, as you’d expect through the course of everyday life, but nowhere near extreme enough to phase me, or rock my mood in any lasting way. More up than down, in a balanced manner, for the first time in my teen/adult life.
Over the last 4-5 days I’ve been thinking about and discovering something even more important. Something that’s taken me from feeling ‘happy’ to feeling whole. This one thing has given me more lasting comfort, freedom, and granted me more permission to play than just about anything else I’ve come across. Recently. I have to add recently because there’ve been quite a few things in my life that have revolutionised the way I think to that extent.
What really lets us come home is accepting ourselves as we are, not wishing to be anyone else, and if we truly want to become better – it’s the belief that we can. It’s treating yourself well; your thoughts, your emotions, your ideas, who you are. It’s loving yourself enough to stand with yourself, by your beliefs, and not apologise for it.
I don’t know everything, I haven’t experienced everything, and over the course of my life I’m going to make as many mistakes as I possibly can. Let’s be honest, if that’s my goal I’m already on my way (and I’m sure that everyone here can say the same). I’m happy with the way I am, and with the knowledge that I can continue growing.
Return of a Thought
Going back to the second post I wrote in this series, I asked what would happen if you took someone away from the life they lived and placed them somewhere else, where everyone knows them as the way they present themselves online. The best of themselves, for the sake of argument. I hope you had an answer in your mind, if not just think about it for a moment; what would happen to you if that was the case?
… I’m serious – think about it.
Do not read any further until you do.
I didn’t think about it until it happened; not in those terms. I just wanted to go and see someone, and I was nervous about going so far though I was more excited than anything else. Nothing could have prepared me for this. Frankly, I don’t think I wanted to be prepared anyway.
Sometimes you have to leave your ‘home’ to find yourself. Cliche, maybe. Tired old phrase – sure, why not. True? I believe so. Go find out for yourself.